Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
