Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
