I could make wine with my vomit
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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