You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
