I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
