youre lurking in front of me
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
