Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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