My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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