My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
