Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
