She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
