I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
