I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
