You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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