you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
