so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
