don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
