I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
