Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
