We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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