If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
