im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
