some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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