You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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