I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
