our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
