just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
