the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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