Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
