no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
