ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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