Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
