fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
