note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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