We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
