when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
