it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The power of my boobs compel you
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
