Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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