I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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