The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Who died my cat blue again?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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