i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
