I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
