i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
