walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
