This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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