last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
