One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
