i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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