Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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