Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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