hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
