I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
